busting beats on the back of the public bus
inject me with immunity
just a prevention
from a sickness
that will eat your insides
lost it, just another beat?
heartbeat.
just like heartfelt poetry.
“just another day,”
says the man with the noose on his neck.
his son looks up
tears in his eyes,
merry Christmas son
trouble-causing nuisances
i’ve got your hands in my pocket
in one there’s your folder
scrappy writing,
you say you can’t help it.
he’ll help it
breath, black-men tripping on sidewalks,
that’s all I’ve got to say,
begin again
begins again –
two words, two phrases, two meanings.
relative to interpretation,
tell me again where this started,
the story where we met
and you say, “goodnight?”
mother goose, in a noose,
on the back> of my mind.
“end of innocence.” written on a sign,
held by a man, the executioner,
give names, of aspirations, apparitions,
inspiration?
let it loose, flowers float,
and my mother –
ashes sink, in wasteland, in the ocean,
where i am,
goodnight mother –
busting beats on the back of the public bus,
begin again,
begins again.

Finding myself feeling small. i've never felt so small, taken aback, of being belittled. and i know i shouldn't let this all get to me, in face i shouldn't care less, because that isn't the typical, but hearing it over, gets you thinking, thinking why you are out here alone, in the cold, beneath such a beautiful scene, there are children running around, old married couples smile and walk slowly, but i'm alone, and you can't help but think back, you can't help but wonder, where is mine? i don't think its fair of me to be so selfish, but i can't help but feel like a burden, three is a crowd, whoever said that was right, they are always right. and i think back to threes, threes of people, of groups, and i seemed to always be the odd one out. i look around, i know its cold, im really cold, i look around and i know, but i wonder if that little boy knows, or that happy couple knows, but i know, and i can't cry on the holiday season, its a time for happiness and cheer, i cant cry in the car, because i havent cried in the car, infront of my sister since i was little, but i was surprised to find to be invited to seat in the front seat, so that maybe i was more than what i had been. and i know people care about me, im sure they are out there, and i know it is quality over quantity, but i wonder if those people who care about me, realize the people they are, are like the people who ask how your day was and are satisfied with, "fine." when they know thats not how you feel, but they feel better about themselves because they asked. dont get me wrong, im thankful for everything and plenty of things. but im not sure, if i should apologize? but i dont think that its right, and i dont think they could care, it just makes me even sadder, that my friendship meant nothing more to them than a brush off the shoulder, or some shit they followed off of, that it doesn't mean anything more to them, to try a little harder, to put in a little effort, to say something more than just some dirty looks, but i was right, and its something i dont like to be right about in people and relationships in high school, they mean nothing, they come and go, and in the end they arent there for you, they arent there to help you, but to complete that, to end that, to know that you are only there to fill their time, to fill those minutes for lunch and break, and that you are nothing more than that, is devastating, to know that you dont deserve real friends, sounds ridiculous, but i know its true, and im not asking for pity, and i dont know how bad i want to ask for forgiveness, because until somebody explains to me what i did, its all out there. and im not sure, if i should even let this get to me, because they always end up the same, wait a few weeks and it will all blow over, but im tired of being passive aggressive and not saying anything, but it makes me real fucking upset being left out of a lot of shit, and it isnt like i try to call anyone, but after several attempts and never getting call backs bothers me, that i mean nothing to any of these people, it truly honestly bothers me. dont call me your friend, dont pretend your friends with, unless we hang out outside of school unless you know secrets of mine, unless we have actually held a conversation. but all i ask is, dont be fake to me, dont lie to my face, dont make up excuses, dont pretend, just tell me. sure im sick of stupid drama, but im not fine with this, and im not going to be hush hush about it. sorry.